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Lucero's avatar

** She watched an old man mend a fence with the slow, careful motions of someone whose hands had outlived his eyes. ** I enjoyed the read, the attention to the quiet "notices" that surround us.

The Mongoose's avatar

Thank you, this piece was just fun! It came out of nowhere and surprised me. I haven’t done fiction in a wee while.

Élisabeth Vonarburg's avatar

oooh a Parable for our time! 🙂❤️

Tammi Hill's avatar

Oh I like that. This is very much Granny Wearherwax's headology from Pratchett

The Mongoose's avatar

I didn't read that one, which book was it in?

Tammi Hill's avatar

“Granny Weatherwax had never heard of psychiatry and would have had no truck with it even if she had. There are some arts too black even for a witch. She practiced headology-practiced, in fact, until she was very good at it.

And though there may be some superficial similarities between a psychiatrist and a headologist, there is a huge practical difference.

A psychiatrist, dealing with a man who fears he is being followed by a large and terrible monster, will endeavor to convince him that monsters don't exist. Granny Weatherwax would simply give him a chair to stand on and a very heavy stick."

The Mongoose's avatar

It seems like a very practical art. I’ll have to read this one; I’m not nearly as well versed in the Pratchett universe as you are, but I enjoy them from time to time.

Tammi Hill's avatar

It was the first Discworld novel I read and I fell in love. I am sure the man wrote that book for one pun.

Tammi Hill's avatar

It is mentioned or alluded to in several. But, the best description is in Maskerade.

David Brin's avatar

Well and capably told. Somewhat hovering point-of-view but that's fine for this kind of tale.

Here are two web sites I made, offering helpful advice for rising writers.

First, one with more general notes:

http://www.davidbrin.com/advice.htm

...and a second that contains a lot of specific skill hints:

https://davidbrin.blogspot.com/2023/12/advanced-tips-for-rising-writers.html

I also strongly recommend advice pages offered by the great Nancy Kress.

I expect good things/

The Mongoose's avatar

I'll look at it again with POV in mind. Thank you, that's the kind of feedback that is hard to find. I will look at the web sites, as well. (A bit later) Yes, I see what you mean, we start out in Calleth's mind, and then gradually drift toward Eilidh. In a story that feels like it has a teller, it still works (as you noted.) If I were trying to write the Modern Novel, if would be a definite faux pas. This one is comfortable feeling more like an outtake from A Canticle for Leibowitz. Again, thanks so much for your feedback!

Project Archimedes's avatar

This is VERY good. It reminds me of Pratchett's witches. 👏

The Mongoose's avatar

That's high praise indeed, thank you!

The Mongoose's avatar

Thank you, love!