Leaving the Hollow Tree
(We're in the land of the Little People, now.)
I want to talk to you about Mike Johnson and Keebler Elves.
Stay with me.
This morning, former Interior Secretary and Montana Congressman Ryan Zinke posted a dignified letter to the people of Montana announcing that he would not seek re-election. A Navy SEAL, a Cabinet Secretary, a multi-term congressman — hanging up his hat with grace, citing multiple surgeries, the long recovery ahead, and a desire to be present for his family. He had informed President Trump, the Governor, and senior leadership. It was a proper send-off. Professional. Warm. Final.
It was also the thirtieth House Republican to announce they’re heading for the exits.
Which brings me to Mike Johnson, who has looked like a Keebler Elf this entire time. We all knew it. It’s time to admit it.
Look at him. The pointy face, the slightly bewildered expression, the permanent affect of a man who suspects something is wrong in the bakery but can’t quite locate the source of the bad smell. He is Ernie the Elf. He has always been Ernie. And he is currently running the most precarious cookie operation in American political history out of a hollow tree with an ever-dwindling workforce of elves who keep filing thoughtful letters about their knee injuries while sidling toward the exits.
The math is not kind. Republicans currently hold 218 seats to the Democrats’ 213, which means Johnson’s majority is the minimum majority number. There is no cushion. There is no margin. There is just the number 218 and a prayer that nobody gets in a car accident. He reportedly told his caucus — and I want you to understand that this is a real quote from the Speaker of the House — “No adventure sports, no risk-taking, take your vitamins and stay healthy and be here.”
That is not a legislative strategy. That is a sad scared little man standing at the entrance to the hollow tree begging the remaining elves not to go hiking.
Thirty Republican elves have now announced they’re leaving. Most of them are leaving at the end of the term — which is November’s problem, not today’s. But a few have already gone mid-term. MTG stomped out in January after her falling-out with Trump. Doug LaMalfa died. Their seats sit vacant while special elections grind through the calendar. Every vacancy tightens the vice.
Zinke’s exit won’t hurt Johnson’s vote count until 2027. But that’s not really the point. The point is cascade psychology. When a respected, scandal-free, genuinely accomplished Republican walks out the door calmly with a kind letter and a thumbs-up, it gives cover to everyone else who’s been quietly staring at the exit sign. Well, if he’s leaving...
The Keebler brand promise is that the magic happens inside the tree. Small hands, secret recipes, cookies that somehow emerge from an impossible space full of cheerful industry. The magic, they tell us, is here.
Fewer elves every day. But the magic is still here.
Speaker Johnson tells us the same thing, in his way. We’ve got the majority. We can do this. Stay healthy. Take your vitamins. Don’t do adventure sports.
But the hollow tree is emptying out, one dignified letter of resignation at a time. 🐸
Let the math keep crawling towards adults in control again. And make then younger and smarter please.